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Reduce stress and increase assertiveness by avoiding these 3 behaviours.

With the continuously increasing pace of our lives, we all fall victims to stress. Trying to meet work deadlines, worrying about the future or facing stressful life changes. We have all been there. Sadly, a lot of people experience feelings of stress not only occasionally but on a regular basis. And the numbers are drastically increasing. 

A survey^[1] on 2,000 UK adults conducted in July 2021 found that one in every 14 people in the UK (7%) says they feel stressed daily. Being regularly under stress can affect both your physical and mental health. You might suffer from headaches, chest pains or/and indigestion. Your libido would drop and you would have trouble sleeping as well. Continuous stress would also take a toll on your emotional well-being. Anxiety, panic attacks and depression are only some of the side effects that follow prolonged exposure to stress.

Now, more than ever, it should be our number one priority to learn how to manage stress. But how can you do that? Well, to learn how to manage it you first need to understand the root cause of your stress. Naturally, some of the situations that induce feelings of stress are beyond our control, like being stuck in traffic or battling an illness.

In such instances, tension-release and relaxation methods might help you put your mind at ease. If your stress is too great, try to obtain support from a qualified professional who will be able to help you cope with it better.

However, relaxation techniques can only help you after you’ve already been triggered and they don’t provide solutions to what has caused the stress in the first place. And more often than not, your stressors (things that cause you to stress) could be managed and are within your control.

One of the major sources of stress is lack of assertiveness, which often manifests in people-pleasing behaviours and the inability to say no. By agreeing to the tasks or demands of others that are not healthy for you, you are inviting stress into your life. People-pleasing has the potential to cause serious damage to your emotional health and to your relationships. Too many of us fall into the trap of altering our behaviours, needs and wants for the sake of another person’s feelings. Poor communication, lack of assertiveness and people-pleasing will not only cause you a lot of stress but can also harm your mental health, leading to anxiety and/or depression.
Understanding the impact of such behaviours and noticing your own patterns are the starting point to healing and protecting yourself from further stress.

Here is a list of the 3 most common stress-causing behaviours and what to do to stop them:

1. Poor communication.

Have you ever noticed yourself being too compliant during disagreements with your partner? Do you feel that you often bury your feelings deep down and refuse to express them in fear of making others uncomfortable? Would you rather try to ‘keep the peace’ than address the issues that are upsetting you?
If you answered yes to these questions you are deliberately exposing yourself to more stress. People-pleasing behaviours lead to upset, resentment and hurt and they are likely to cause problems in your relationships. These problems though could be easily resolved by an open and honest conversation about your feelings. If you learn how to openly address things that upset you, and if you can do it in a polite and respectful manner, you will not only avoid feeling stressed but you will also strengthen your bond with the other person.

2. Fear of saying ‘no’

Another common stress-causing behaviour is the fear of saying ‘no’. If you are the kind of person to quickly agree to whatever others need from you, you are probably often feeling upset and overwhelmed.
A conviction that you need to agree to other people’s requests or share their opinions stems from the fear of being rejected. You might be spending a lot of time wondering what others think of you, worried that if you say no you will be considered rude or inconsiderate. Consequently, you end up taking on too many tasks that overwhelm you, causing you to feel stressed out. You might also be doing things that you didn’t want to do or agreeing to some things that are not in line with your views and beliefs.
One study^[2] found that in social situations when peer pressure is perceived, people-pleasing might even cause us to overeat.
This indicates that sometimes we do what isn’t good for us, just to comfort other people.
You ought to remember though, that on top of putting yourself under unnecessary stress, being unable to stand up for what you want (or do not want) might cause you to feel unworthy and may lower your self-esteem. You are likely to feel upset and tense, which eventually can also spill over to your intimate relationship, causing more hurt and more resentment. Always do what you feel is right for you. Prioritize yourself and your health over trying to please other people.

3. Neglecting your needs in order to please others.

Research^[3] has found that engaging in self-care activities correlates with less stress and higher life quality.
Being always within others’ reach and taking on too many tasks you might find that you don’t have any time for yourself. By doing so, you are locking yourself up in a vicious circle of physical and mental exhaustion, and stress. Carving out some time for yourself to enjoy the activities that make you happy is a must. Your mind and body need to recharge to be more resilient and able to handle life’s situations. Finding time to care for your own needs should not be optional but a part of your life and your routine. It may remove or, at the very least, temporarily reduce the impact that chronic stress has on you. Whatever it is that you enjoy or resonate with you should always find some time for. Don’t sacrifice your own health for the need to please others. Avoid unnecessary stress and the harm that comes with it, by managing the situations that are within your control.

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Research references

1. https://www.ciphr.com/workplace-stress-statistics/
2. https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/jscp.2012.31.2.169
3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6080382/